Death

22 January 2009

"Debrupa passed away last Saturday. She had brain tumor."

It is always hard to believe that someone you knew is no more in this world. Needless to say, therefore, that this bit of news struck me like a bolt from the blue. She was only 18 years old. She was such a bright girl and we were all sure that she had a very bright future ahead of her! She was sweet and very easy to get along with. I still don't think she is gone. She must be up there somewhere watching us, painting her butterflies....

It was a long time since I had last spoken to her. I often used to find her online on Facebook or Orkut but I was too lazy to start a conversation and talk to her. And now it was too late...
Too Late - such awful words! I guess I should really stop taking people for granted now, especially my friends.
Unlike the olden days, it is so easy to stay in touch with people now - yet we never seem to be able to maintain our contacts. I wish I could turn time back and tell her of all the things I wanted to...Oh Debrupa! You were there for me when I was completely alone! I shall remember all the happy times we spent together! May Your Soul Rest In Peace!

2nd October, 2009

"Come fast! Mimi hung herself...she is dead!"

This news came as a shock to me! Just the other day I had been talking to her. She seemed perfectly fine. In fact, she seemed much happier than she used to be on most days! I reached her place and it was true...she was indeed no more!
I don't remember when was the last time I cried as much as I did back then...I was more in shock than in grief. People committing suicide was just something I read about in newspapers or watch on news channels. I have heard of friends telling me how they witnessed a suicide attempt in their neighborhood. But how could someone I know commit suicide?

In India, attempting to commit suicide is a punishable offense. I personally have always felt that suicide should be legalized. One should have the right to end one's life when one feels that life is not worth living or when things are just not working out...We do not have an opportunity to decide whether we want to be born or not nor can we choose the kind of life we wish to lead. Therefore, why can't I end my life if things are not going the way I please? Don't I walk out of the movie-hall when the movie is pathetic? Why can't the same logic be applied to one's life?

Mimi's death, however, left me completely puzzled. I started re-thinking things. The grief I experienced on seeing her dead body or while talking to her parents - I don't remember ever feeling this awful! I still have nightmares and I keep wishing she had just come to me once and told me all that she was going through...Maybe, I could have helped her out!
And then I think...she had told me so many things. Perhaps I was just not paying enough attention...Had I been more cautious, I might have been able to see this coming and may have succeeded in putting a stop to this. I wish she had not acted in haste!

No matter how hard I cry and how many tears I shed, she will not come back!
Dear Mimi, You came into my life and occupied a special place in my heart - a place that I never knew existed until you arrived....and now you are gone, and that part of me is empty forever!

Getting over Mimi's death was probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do....being there and seeing her being cremated was horrifying! It was worse than Debrupa dying - at that time, I was not home and I just received this news over the phone. Besides, Mimi chose to die - Debrupa had no choice!
Had it not been for some of my friends, I would probably have ended up remaining a nervous wreck! I don't think I can ever thank them enough for being there for me when I desperately needed them!

Today, I do not take any of my friends for granted. I have even stopped fighting with some of them - I am scared that I might just not get an opportunity to make up. When my friends come to me with their problems, I do not have a very casual attitude anymore. This incident taught me a lot but I wish there was some other way I could have learnt these lessons....

The Sound Of Silence

Every night, as I lie in bed, I think of the day I have spent. I do not even think that I do it consciously anymore. They come flashing back...those memories...like a train hurtling through the darkness. Those moments are when the only one you have left to answer to, is yourself...

It is at those moments that you think of witty (belated) replies to caustic remarks...when what could have been is felt as sharply as what had actually been. Those moments, which relive other more painful moments, when the crimson taint of embarrassment refused to leave my cheeks, as I stumbled my way through an instance which I hope so very dearly, will never ever repeat itself again. And it is then, I think, with every human trait within me...what if?...what if she hadn't?...what if I could have?...what if?...and then amidst that silence, the familiar heat flushing my cheeks....a fervent prayer...”Please, please let it never happen again...let me never have to go through that again.”

And then there are the others. All of a sudden, I feel a familiar sharp stab of pain, right between my lungs...where I had always imagined your heart to be. The power of a sentence that had perhaps been uttered in a thoughtless feel of impatience...that had seemed to strike me at my very core. And I lie there, and think up six different retorts, each more venomous than the next. And it is then that I feel it...the soothing wave of darkness washing over my bruised ego...and the forgiveness of the silence. This time I close my eyes...and in my mind, stretch out my hand for help, “Please show me a way out.”

Those moments have a peculiarly naked quality to them. I are stripped of every defense that I have tirelessly spent my life creating. The most tangible and passionate feeling of all - anger - is ever felt, quite as sharply, as it is then, in the silence. A part of me blames bitterly the unresponsive silence...a reproach without reason...”Was there another way out?”...Is this then, what I deserve?...Is there all there is to life? Is this real?...and then, “WHY?...Why her?...Why me?” And the barrier shatters and the tears come...and with them, a gentle easing of my burden.

Then there are the sweetest moments of all...when the silence seems to savor along with you...and celebrate with you in shared joy. Those are moments when with rock-bound faith, you thank the darkness of the night with all of your being...because it is that familiar darkness, that wonderful silence which has been your raincoat during the downpour and your crutch through the twisted ankles. There is no further, a sense of the unknown, as you are filled with a grateful joy...at having, once again....been blessed.

Guilt is my least favorite emotion. Guilt is which you cannot be at peace with yourself, when you cannot ignore the possibility of being wrong...and when you cannot look someone in the eye. This guilt surfaces, with surprising clarity, within that timeless silence. The same silence you feel surrounding you at the moment you enter a calm and serene place. This is my silence, and here, there is no escape, no denials...and no room for turning away.

Over the years, I seem to have acquired so far, a peculiar impassivity to emotional stress and pain. It's as though you have this invisible shoulder to cry on. My moments in the dark and that silence to which I bare my soul...and that is the truth...that is, my shoulder.

Dasvidanya

Last night, I watched "Dasvidaniya" with my brother. Though this movie released quite sometime back, it was only yesterday that I managed to watch it. I liked the movie a lot as it told a simple story in a very beautiful manner ...It is the story of a simple guy (Vinay Pathak) who leads a very boring, mundane life. He seems to have no wishes and no aspirations of his own. Others take advantage of him. However, one day he is diagnosed of stomach cancer and comes to know that he just has a few more months to live. On learning this, he decides to actually live his life and makes a list of ten things he wishes to do before he dies and succeeds in accomplishing them all!

The movie really got me thinking: When we are small, we always have big dreams about the things we wish to do when we grow-up. However, when we actually grow up, we become so engrossed in our day-to-day lives, with its drudgery, that we actually forget about our list of "Things To Do". Why is it that only when we are convinced that death is imminent, do we actually want to live? We all know that death is an inevitable part of life, but why do we need to be reminded of that in order to make life a worth-while experience?

Here is my list of the Top 10 Things I Wish To Do Before I Die:

1. Travel the world.
2. Teach - I feel the true purpose of everyone's life is to touch the lives of others in a way that could never have been achieved before, and teaching/educating children is my way of achieving my purpose of life!
   
3. I have always wanted to do something about social and world issues. I wish I can fulfill this desire someday.
   
4. Fall in love...just once with the right person!
   
5. Be happily married!
6. Live in a place far away from the hustle and bustle of city-life - preferably, by the sea. But I do wish to have access to all the modern amenities!
7. Be a successful psychologist.
8. Learn to cook.
   
9. Get rid of my acrophobia.
10. Take up writing professionally.

Well, I hope to achieve them all someday...what is your list of the ten things you want to do before you die? Do make one - it helps you from forgetting your purpose in life!

Breaking Down

"And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can't ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see the people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it's already happened."
- Douglas Couplan

When we are young, we always see the world through rose-colored glasses. We think everything around is absolutely perfect.
However, as we grow up, we realize there are many things which just look good in story-books or in movies...
In real life, "honesty is not the best policy" nor does "truth always triumph". The whole concept of a "happily ever after" existed only "once upon a time" when we were small...

When we grow up, we are burdened with so many responsibilities. We do not even have the time to do things we like and we end up doing things which we never wanted to do in the first place! There are times when we realize that we are actually at a dead end but we still remain in that place and don't make a U-Turn because taking the whole road back and starting from scratch does not seem to be a very comfortable idea.
Teenagers are always called 'rebellious' but being passionate and standing up for things we truly believe in does not seem wrong to me. As we grow up, we sober down and conform to what society wants us to be - and end up killing our individuality.
The other day I was reading the book Veronika Decides to Die by Paul Coelho - there was one part which struck me...as a mental patient in an asylum, one is free to say what one wants; one can do what they want - they will never be criticized - but once we are outside, we have to behave in a certain way, think before speaking and we cannot do something just because we feel like doing it!

There are many times my mother tells me "You are growing up now. Behave like a lady." I am sure all of us have heard such dialogues from our elders at some point of time or the other. I find it exasperating! Just because I am growing up I do not have to stop liking the things I liked before!
As I grow up, I realize I just want to be the little girl I was - away from the harsh realities of life! I do not want to be moulded into someone I am not...I just hope this world lets me be...

Terrifying Twenty!

20 DAYS TO GO!!

20 days left for me to turn twenty years old!!!
When I was younger, birthdays were always something I looked forward to! The balloons, the cake, the streamers, the presence of my near and dear ones, the gifts...
However, now, as I turn a year older on each birthday, I somehow start dreading the fact that I am getting older!
I was not at all happy on my nineteenth birthday - even though I did have a lot of fun with friends...

Turning 20 is scarier!
The fact that I will never be a teenager anymore is terrifying!
It may seem like an exaggeration, but I really feel that way.

As we grow up, we are expected to become responsible - I am not really sure if I am ready for it! True, it also means being able to do what I want...not having to ask permission from parents all the time, but I would rather have it that way than have an extra candle on my birthday cake!

I am trying to cheer myself up by throwing a big bash on my birthday with all my friends. Most of them have already had their twentieth birthday, and some are twenty-one years old, so a small part of me is happy that I am still younger than most of my peers!
But there is still a large part of me who wants all the celebrations to happen but still remain nineteen!

I know I wish for a lot of things - I don't think I would mind if this one came true!

The '5' Tag

I would like to thank Vyshu for tagging me!

More About This Tag:
The idea is to list five items in each category and not necessarily in order of liking.You can always add or subtract categories according to your will.Then tag five People...

5 THINGS I SAY A LOT...

1. Whatever!
2. Oh My God! Oh My God! Oh My God!
3. What a waste!
4. Eew!
5. I don't know...

5 CELEBRITY CRUSHES OF MINE...

1. Rupert Grint
2. Brad Pitt
3. Neil Nitin Mukesh
4. John Abraham
5. Rannvijay (MTV)

5 FAVORITE RANDOM THINGS

1. Rain!
   
2. Earrings
3. Teddy Bears
4. Story Books
5. Hot Chocolate

5 FAVORITE LITERARY CHARACTERS

1. Don Quixote ("Don Quixote" by Miguel de Cervantes).
2. Miss Marple (created by Agatha Christie).
3. Marc Antony ("Julius Caesar" by William Shakespeare).
4. Puck ("A Midsummer Night's Dream" by William Shakespeare).
5. Jeeves (created by P.G. Wodehouse).

5 FAVORITE COMIC CHARACTERS

1. Calvin and Hobbes.
2. Garfield
3. Scooby Doo
4. Donald Duck
5. Little Lulu

5 PEOPLE I WISH TO TAG

1. Ellen
2. Stephen
3. Rimz
4. Chakoli
   
5. Rane

Bunking

It is the wish of every student to experience the fun of bunking classes! I don't think there is any student in this world who has never ever missed even one class!

Many of us try to bunk classes in school. If luck is on our side and we succeed, we can boast of our courage at being successful in breaking the rules and skipping the boring lectures; and if we are ill-fated and get caught, we are doomed!
When I was in school, I have bunked quite a few times - and I especially engaged in group bunking. One fine day, me and my gang of friends would decide to skip school and stay at home. It was fun! However, back in school we had to make our parents sign a note stating the reason for our absence - and what was often a tricky business! While my parents had no issues with me staying back at home if I did not feel like going, many of my friends' parents were not so liberal and my friends often got into trouble for not attending classes!
Once we all got caught bunking assembly -and we landed ourselves in detention!

Once we step into college, rules are more relaxed! We are free to bunk as much as we want - but at the end of the year, we need to have at least 85% attendance in order to be able to write our exams. No one wants to know why you did not attend class - if you don't attend, you do not get attendance! The fear of getting caught bunking is absent, which makes the whole affair not so thrilling!
Therefore, bunking in college is not as much fun as it used to be in school. Initially, it was nice to skip one or two classes and watch a movie - but it did not feel the same as bunking in school: because out here, we were not really breaking any rules!
However, in college - mass bunking is the fun thing to do. One fine day, the whole class decides that none of them are going to attend any class...however, mass bunking has its risks and it is a very difficult thing to do. For one, not all are ready to bunk - there are many who have attendance shortage and want to come to class. Secondly, we may land ourselves into a lot of trouble. However, one finds solace in the fact that one is not alone and is with all his or her friends. In order to engage in a successful mass bunk, the CR or class representative must ensure that the entire class does not turn up. He or she is always the scape-goat because in case something goes wrong, he or she must be able to provide the authorities with suitable explanation! One must keep in mind that the class also consists of a few studious, unwanted elements who may try getting everyone into trouble and foil the master-plan of mass bunking by complaining to the teachers! Keeping these people in check is integral in order to be successful in carrying out a mass-bunk!

All in all, I feel that bunking is an art and an essential part of every student's life. It is fun as long as it is not done very frequently. As students, we should all skip classes at some point of time or the other and sit back and enjoy life!

Swine Flu Scare

With the rapid increase in the number of people acquiring swine flu and not surviving, everyone is scared of catching the H1N1 virus. While Pune and Mumbai are probably the worst-affected cities, panic is on the rise even in Bangalore.
Many schools have been shut down...Face masks are out of stock in pharmacy stores as people are indulging in panic buying of masks - most of them unaware of the fact that the masks are useless in protecting wearers from catching swine flu.

In my college, there have been 4 confirmed cases of students having swine flu. However, instead of shutting down the college for at least 3 days, our college continues to function as always! Students have merely been requested not to attend classes if they are unwell.
My mother is scared and wants me to return home from Bangalore and is exasperated as I am not obeying her.
While I would love to return home, the reason for me remaining behind in Bangalore is that in my college, one needs to have a minimum attendance of 85% in order to be allowed to write the final exams. Under no circumstance I wish to mess up my attendance...even if I get swine flu, I would rather attend classes than bunk - because if I survive, I would need the attendance for being permitted to write my exam. It is my final year in college and I would never want to mess up anything!
This may sound crazy but it is true...I just hope I remain hale and hearty and I pray to God to give strength to all those people who have been affected by swine flu!

It's That Time Of The Year Again!

My exams are beginning from Tuesday and they shall end on the 22nd of August.

You may find it strange but I actually enjoy writing exams because during exams, I have to be in college for only three hours and then I am free for the day! The thought of going back home and having to study for the next exam does not appear to be scary nor exhausting to me!

I am a very lazy girl and a big-time procrastinator! There have been times when I have started studying for an exam only a few hours before and gone to the exam-hall simply hoping for the best! Being blessed with a good memory and always having luck by my side, I have generally ended up doing well!
By stating this, I do not mean to say that I have never made up answers nor am I saying that there has never been a time when I blanked out after reading a question-paper!

"A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam".

This is an oft-quoted sentence and I feel all of us, when we were students, have ended up indulging in creative-writing when we had absolutely no idea what kind of answer the question demanded! Some succeed in guessing a few relevant points while others fail miserably! Once you come out of the examination-hall, it is often entertaining when you hear some answers your class-mates came up with...

Though examination-time is believed to be the most stressful time in a student's life, I do not really think so. Contrary to popular belief, I feel that cramming up just a few hours before the exam does improve your grade as most of us tend to focus more under pressure!

I may be inactive for sometime from this space! However I hope that your best wishes will be with me - I hope to do well this time too!

Lazy Sunday

I LOVE SUNDAYS! This is the only day of the week when I can sleep for as long as I want and even if someone asks me to wake up early, I can actually shut that person up by simply saying, "No way, dude, it's a Sunday!"
Sunday is one day when I just like being at home. Generally, I am out all the time, visiting every place possible - hence, it is nice being a couch-potato for one day! It is so much fun doing absolutely nothing for a change! I can just laze around, watch television, read a book, play 'The Sims'. Besides, Sunday is the only day I get to spend quality time with my younger brother. However, even he cannot make me leave the house on a Sunday. I do not mind going out for dinner, for a movie or shopping on any day of the week but on a Sunday, I just hate stepping out of the house!
One more thing I love about Sundays is the fact that I can have a bath anytime I want - I do not have to go meet people; therefore, there is no reason for me to get ready! Sometimes, I have baths as late as 6:00 pm!!
Of course as Sunday comes to an end, I do experience the Monday Morning Blues! The very thought of having to wake up by 7:00 am the next morning is enough to dampen my spirits!

Tomorrow is 2nd August and it is being celebrated as FRIENDSHIP DAY. Therefore, this Sunday I do not get to be at home as my best friend wants us to spend the day together. However, I am looking forward to something exciting and I hope tomorrow will be a nice day!

The Virtual World

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."

We all have friends. Friends we made in school, in college, at work...
However, we all seem to be so busy in our everyday life that we hardly have time to meet up with our friends very frequently. When we go to college, we make new friends and we do not have time to meet our old school-friends. We move on with our new life and perhaps talk to them only to wish them on special occasions - sometimes, not even that! Sometimes we move to a new city and it becomes very difficult for us to be in touch with all our old friends even though there are so many social networking sites these days.
Apart from these friends, we also have online friends. People with whom we have some common interest - we are members of the same Yahoo! Group or the same discussion-forum or we blog on the same site...
We exchange e-mails with some of them and try to know the other person better. Some make it to our Messenger lists, and with a few of them, we get close enough to exchange phone numbers and have regular conversations.
I have met many of my virtual friends in real life and I don't regard them as just my online friends anymore. They have become an integral part of my life. My two best friends are people I met online and we have been friends now for more than 4 years.

A few years back, if someone told me that they were meeting online friends, I would have assumed that the person has no friends in real life. Today, I think very differently.
I will not say that I don't regret any net-friendship. There were 3 that were not very great experiences. But there are so many online friends with whom I have had some wonderful experiences.

It is often said that we find it easier to confide in people who are complete strangers because they do not judge us as they do not know us. This is very true, according to me. On the down-side, as your net-friend becomes a very good friend of your's and he/she is not just another person online, one tends to stop being as open as one was before.

Friends are people who occupy a special place in your heart - a place which never even existed before. When they leave, that place remains empty forever and no one can fill that space because no two individuals are alike. Every person is unique and it is never really possible to replace someone.
Online friendship is truly a gift of technology. We should treasure them and not let them slip away. Friendship, virtual or real, is a gift and it must be cherished.

Crying Is For The Weak?

"I will not cry. I am going to be brave."

This is something I often tell myself in order to stop myself from crying.

As a kid, I was physically not so strong. However, I was very enthusiastic and never refrained myself from joining the others in their match of kabaddi or other games. Whenever I would get hurt badly, I would cry. Needless to say that in the long run, I earned the reputation of being a 'cry-baby'. I hated it!
One day, I made a promise to myself that I would never cry again in front of anyone and I was quite successful in doing so. My parents have now seen me crying only once in many long years and the last time I cried in front of them was at my uncle's funeral - and crying on such an occasion is "socially acceptable".

Nowadays one often hears that it is the brave who cry as they are strong enough to let their emotions show. But how true is that?
My friend was crying because her boyfriend was leaving town and the entire time, she kept apologizing for the tears that were streaming down her face.

We have all been socially conditioned to believe that it is not good to cry. Men, especially, are always told that 'crying is for women'. Why is it so? Don't they have the freedom to release their emotional pain?

I admit that I am not very good around people when they are crying. Crying in front of people attracts a lot of unwanted attention. Most people are not really interested in comforting you. They are just curious to know why you are crying, which is why I prefer crying when I am all by myself. I don't like explaining myself to anyone when I am upset.

Crying makes me feel better. Once I have shed tears, I feel like I can just let the pain go and move on. Crying helps me vent out all my frustration and anger and holding back, just aggravates it. Therefore, I would just like to tell everyone that it is extremely normal to cry and whenever, they feel like, they should just cry away.