Monday, October 26, 2009
"Debrupa passed away last Saturday. She had brain tumor."
It is always hard to believe that someone you knew is no more in this world. Needless to say, therefore, that this bit of news struck me like a bolt from the blue. She was only 18 years old. She was such a bright girl and we were all sure that she had a very bright future ahead of her! She was sweet and very easy to get along with. I still don't think she is gone. She must be up there somewhere watching us, painting her butterflies....
It was a long time since I had last spoken to her. I often used to find her online on Facebook or Orkut but I was too lazy to start a conversation and talk to her. And now it was too late...
Too Late - such awful words! I guess I should really stop taking people for granted now, especially my friends.
Unlike the olden days, it is so easy to stay in touch with people now - yet we never seem to be able to maintain our contacts. I wish I could turn time back and tell her of all the things I wanted to...Oh Debrupa! You were there for me when I was completely alone! I shall remember all the happy times we spent together! May Your Soul Rest In Peace!
2nd October, 2009
"Come fast! Mimi hung herself...she is dead!"
This news came as a shock to me! Just the other day I had been talking to her. She seemed perfectly fine. In fact, she seemed much happier than she used to be on most days! I reached her place and it was true...she was indeed no more!
I don't remember when was the last time I cried as much as I did back then...I was more in shock than in grief. People committing suicide was just something I read about in newspapers or watch on news channels. I have heard of friends telling me how they witnessed a suicide attempt in their neighborhood. But how could someone I know commit suicide?
In India, attempting to commit suicide is a punishable offense. I personally have always felt that suicide should be legalized. One should have the right to end one's life when one feels that life is not worth living or when things are just not working out...We do not have an opportunity to decide whether we want to be born or not nor can we choose the kind of life we wish to lead. Therefore, why can't I end my life if things are not going the way I please? Don't I walk out of the movie-hall when the movie is pathetic? Why can't the same logic be applied to one's life?
Mimi's death, however, left me completely puzzled. I started re-thinking things. The grief I experienced on seeing her dead body or while talking to her parents - I don't remember ever feeling this awful! I still have nightmares and I keep wishing she had just come to me once and told me all that she was going through...Maybe, I could have helped her out!
And then I think...she had told me so many things. Perhaps I was just not paying enough attention...Had I been more cautious, I might have been able to see this coming and may have succeeded in putting a stop to this. I wish she had not acted in haste!
No matter how hard I cry and how many tears I shed, she will not come back!
Dear Mimi, You came into my life and occupied a special place in my heart - a place that I never knew existed until you arrived....and now you are gone, and that part of me is empty forever!
Getting over Mimi's death was probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do....being there and seeing her being cremated was horrifying! It was worse than Debrupa dying - at that time, I was not home and I just received this news over the phone. Besides, Mimi chose to die - Debrupa had no choice!
Had it not been for some of my friends, I would probably have ended up remaining a nervous wreck! I don't think I can ever thank them enough for being there for me when I desperately needed them!
Today, I do not take any of my friends for granted. I have even stopped fighting with some of them - I am scared that I might just not get an opportunity to make up. When my friends come to me with their problems, I do not have a very casual attitude anymore. This incident taught me a lot but I wish there was some other way I could have learnt these lessons....
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
It is at those moments that you think of witty (belated) replies to caustic remarks...when what could have been is felt as sharply as what had actually been. Those moments, which relive other more painful moments, when the crimson taint of embarrassment refused to leave my cheeks, as I stumbled my way through an instance which I hope so very dearly, will never ever repeat itself again. And it is then, I think, with every human trait within me...what if?...what if she hadn't?...what if I could have?...what if?...and then amidst that silence, the familiar heat flushing my cheeks....a fervent prayer...”Please, please let it never happen again...let me never have to go through that again.”
And then there are the others. All of a sudden, I feel a familiar sharp stab of pain, right between my lungs...where I had always imagined your heart to be. The power of a sentence that had perhaps been uttered in a thoughtless feel of impatience...that had seemed to strike me at my very core. And I lie there, and think up six different retorts, each more venomous than the next. And it is then that I feel it...the soothing wave of darkness washing over my bruised ego...and the forgiveness of the silence. This time I close my eyes...and in my mind, stretch out my hand for help, “Please show me a way out.”
Those moments have a peculiarly naked quality to them. I are stripped of every defense that I have tirelessly spent my life creating. The most tangible and passionate feeling of all - anger - is ever felt, quite as sharply, as it is then, in the silence. A part of me blames bitterly the unresponsive silence...a reproach without reason...”Was there another way out?”...Is this then, what I deserve?...Is there all there is to life? Is this real?...and then, “WHY?...Why her?...Why me?” And the barrier shatters and the tears come...and with them, a gentle easing of my burden.
Then there are the sweetest moments of all...when the silence seems to savor along with you...and celebrate with you in shared joy. Those are moments when with rock-bound faith, you thank the darkness of the night with all of your being...because it is that familiar darkness, that wonderful silence which has been your raincoat during the downpour and your crutch through the twisted ankles. There is no further, a sense of the unknown, as you are filled with a grateful joy...at having, once again....been blessed.
Guilt is my least favorite emotion. Guilt is which you cannot be at peace with yourself, when you cannot ignore the possibility of being wrong...and when you cannot look someone in the eye. This guilt surfaces, with surprising clarity, within that timeless silence. The same silence you feel surrounding you at the moment you enter a calm and serene place. This is my silence, and here, there is no escape, no denials...and no room for turning away.
Over the years, I seem to have acquired so far, a peculiar impassivity to emotional stress and pain. It's as though you have this invisible shoulder to cry on. My moments in the dark and that silence to which I bare my soul...and that is the truth...that is, my shoulder.