Random Musings On Existence

“The only thing certain about life is death.”
However, we all want to live – no one wishes to die. Perhaps, that is why Pablo Neruda, in his poem, ‘Nothing But Death’ described Death’s face to be green - for death is always jealous of life! We all celebrate birth – we all mourn when someone dies....Grief and pain are nobody’s favourite emotions. But we all have to die one day.
So, why is it that we fear death so much?
Is it a fear of the unknown? Is the fact that no one has ever come back to the land of the living to report what all happens after death a reason for this fear?

The reason why I fear death is because I am scared to imagine what it would be like to not exist anymore. By believing passionately in something that still does not exist, we create it. The nonexistent is whatever we have not sufficiently desired. What if Heaven and Hell are imaginary concepts and in reality, are non-existent? What if all those ghost stories we hear are mere constructions of our imagination and in reality, there are no such things as ghosts or spirits? Would that mean that when I die, I will be reduced to nothing? Even that thought of turning into nothing is terrifying!

I do not fear oblivion. I am sure people will remember me even after I die – I have definitely left an indelible mark on the lives of many people.
But I am scared of not living. What would it be like to not be able to grab the phone and hear the voice of your best friend? What would it be like to not walk down the beach, find a corner and watch the setting sun? What would it be like to not be able to enjoy ice-creams and feast on your favourite pizza?

Even if dead people wander in an alternate universe, parallel to the living, and are capable of visiting the living beings on earth, what’s the point? Even if I am able to see what my friends and family are doing, the fact that I won’t be a part of their lives anymore is not at all a nice feeling. I will not be able to talk to them – any means of communication with them would only freak them out! I would want them to move on with their lives but I am sure I would feel sorry for myself. I may be sounding selfish but I don’t want to be someone who anyone can let go off so easily...

What do you think about death? Do you have the same fears as I do or am I just suffering from a bout of paranoia?

My Day-Trip To Rotorua, New Zealand

My trip to New Zealand, largely, remained confined to the city of Auckland. There is just so much to see....in order to go sight-seeing, one needs at least a month - I was, sadly, in the country for just 5 days.
We managed to befriend an Indian cab-driver who offered to take us on a day-trip to Rotorua at a highly discounted rate - he even got us heavy discounts on the entry fees to all the major tourist attractions!
Rotorua is an amazing place - I clicked more than 350 photos in that one day - all so beautiful - but alas! I had one blonde moment and accidentally deleted all the photos I had clicked. To add salt to my fresh wounds, my brother ended up damaging the memory-card while attempting to recover the photos!
A good friend of mine has told me that there are people who can fix the damage and am hoping he is right...till then, I decided to write an account of all the wonderful things I saw in order to preserve those beautiful moments. The only thing I am thankful for is the random impulse I had the previous night to store all the photos I already clicked on my laptop - Thank God For Small Mercies! Not all is lost...my photos of Auckland are safe! I know that without photos, writing a travel-account is pretty boring but am going to try my best to not make it too dry! And if I am lucky, maybe I will be able to recover the photos and add them later...

We were told to be up early in the morning so that we could leave by 5:30 AM. The cold and the rains made it impossible for me and my lazy brother to be on time - we started off at 6:00 AM - without any breakfast - and headed for Wai-O-Tapu: The Thermal Wonderland. 'Wai-O-Tapu' means 'Sacred Waters' and it is the largest area of surface thermal activity of any hydrothermal system in the Taupo Volcanic Zone. Since we did not have a lot of time, we were advised to only follow the trail for Walk One and not do all three. The whole area is covered with craters, mud-pools and boiling springs.
As soon as we entered, we saw The Weather Pool which appeared to be grey in colour owing to the cloudy weather and the heavy rains. The craters had very interesting names such as Devil's Home, Rainbow Crater, Thunder Crater, Devil's Ink Pots, Artist's Palette, The Bird's Nest Crater and Devil's Bath. The pungent smell of sulphur is unbearable but as one continues walking, one gets used to it. The yellow-green sulphur deposits can be seen everywhere but this is not always the case- it depends on the concentration of different mineral elements, The Devil's Ink Pots, for instance, have abundant black deposits of carbon and sulphur. One can see smoke rising from the hot springs and geysers all around the area and it is, perhaps, the only place where you will shiver and sweat at the same time! The Sulphur Cave had beautiful formations of sulphur crystals. It started raining heavily, while we were almost at the end of our walk and the slippery ground made me fall while I was trying to open the umbrella that was given to us. Thankfully I did not fall into any chlorine pool - nor was I hurt!
My favorite part about the place was crossing the terrace on the broadwalk and viewing the Artist's Palette, which had mineral deposits in beautiful orange, yellow and blue colours and water overflowing from the Champagne Pool which is the largest hot spring in the area.

We then went to view the mud-pools and the Lady Knox Geyser which erupts daily at approximately 10:15 AM. My brother managed to take a video of this eruption. This is the only geyser which has no Maori name as it was discovered only in the twentieth century. This geyser has two water chambers - the hot lower chamber and the cool upper chamber. This geyser was discovered by a group of prisoners of the Waiotapu open prison and it was they who found that adding soap to the hot spring causes the water to erupt.

We then visited Whakarewarewa which is a thermal village inhabited by the Maoris. The full name of this village is 'Tewhakarewarewatangaoteopetuawahiao' - our tourist-guide spent a good ten minutes trying to get us to pronounce the full name of the village. As soon as one enters the village, one finds a Memorial Archway that bears the name of all those tribal members who lost their lives in the two World Wars. The Maori cultural performance was very entertaining - I especially loved their war-dance which is called 'Haka'. My brother and some other guys got a chance to do the dance along with the Maoris! The Maori women sound beautiful when they sing and the men look scary when they dance with their tongues and eyes protruding out! Before a war, the men danced like that in order to intimidate the enemies and scare them away so that they would not have to fight at all. The village has numerous thermal springs and geysers. The water from these thermal springs is used for bathing, drinking and cooking. The Maori people have their own religion but there are many who have adopted Christianity - there is one Catholic Church as well as one Anglican Church in the village. The dead are buried outside the Churches and all the tombs are on the surface as the unstable, continuous thermal activity makes it impossible for digging graves that must be at least six feet deep.

The Agrodome is a farm in New Zealand which we visited - this was my least favorite place. We saw the sheep shearing process and I found it to be rather cruel! Was feeling very sorry for the sheep...we also saw how the dogs round up the sheep after grazing and a few lucky people got a chance to bottle-feed lambs and milk cows!

The Rainbow Springs Nature Park was our last destination for the day. This was fun! We fed the swans and the fish, saw the kiwi bird and got our photos taken holding the birds in our hand.

After this we said 'Haera Ra' or 'Farewell' to Rotorua and started off for Auckland. It was a fun day but we were tired, sleep-deprived and hungry! Had the accident with the photos not happened, it would indeed have been one perfect day!

My New Year Resolution

First of all, I would like to wish all the people who read my blog a Very Happy New Year! I know these wishes are a little late, but they are truly from the heart! I sincerely hope that the year 2010 brings peace and happiness to all of you!

I am not a person who believes in making New Year Resolutions, primarily because I am never able to keep even one of them! However, this year I did make a resolution which I hope I am able to keep...
From this year onwards, I have resolved to stop taking people, especially, my friends for granted.
I hope to be more patient with my friends and not let my temper take over. Even if we have a fight, I will ensure that we sort things out at that very moment instead of sleeping over the matter.
2009 made me realize that no matter how hard I try, some things are just not in my hands and I don't know if the time I am spending with my loved one may just happen to be the last time I am seeing him or her. Therefore, I have resolved to ensure that I always part ways with everyone on a good note so that in case we do not get a chance to meet again, I will at least be thankful that we were happy the last time we were together rather than wishing fervently for having the power to turn back time like Hiro Nakamura...

Death

22 January 2009

"Debrupa passed away last Saturday. She had brain tumor."

It is always hard to believe that someone you knew is no more in this world. Needless to say, therefore, that this bit of news struck me like a bolt from the blue. She was only 18 years old. She was such a bright girl and we were all sure that she had a very bright future ahead of her! She was sweet and very easy to get along with. I still don't think she is gone. She must be up there somewhere watching us, painting her butterflies....

It was a long time since I had last spoken to her. I often used to find her online on Facebook or Orkut but I was too lazy to start a conversation and talk to her. And now it was too late...
Too Late - such awful words! I guess I should really stop taking people for granted now, especially my friends.
Unlike the olden days, it is so easy to stay in touch with people now - yet we never seem to be able to maintain our contacts. I wish I could turn time back and tell her of all the things I wanted to...Oh Debrupa! You were there for me when I was completely alone! I shall remember all the happy times we spent together! May Your Soul Rest In Peace!

2nd October, 2009

"Come fast! Mimi hung herself...she is dead!"

This news came as a shock to me! Just the other day I had been talking to her. She seemed perfectly fine. In fact, she seemed much happier than she used to be on most days! I reached her place and it was true...she was indeed no more!
I don't remember when was the last time I cried as much as I did back then...I was more in shock than in grief. People committing suicide was just something I read about in newspapers or watch on news channels. I have heard of friends telling me how they witnessed a suicide attempt in their neighborhood. But how could someone I know commit suicide?

In India, attempting to commit suicide is a punishable offense. I personally have always felt that suicide should be legalized. One should have the right to end one's life when one feels that life is not worth living or when things are just not working out...We do not have an opportunity to decide whether we want to be born or not nor can we choose the kind of life we wish to lead. Therefore, why can't I end my life if things are not going the way I please? Don't I walk out of the movie-hall when the movie is pathetic? Why can't the same logic be applied to one's life?

Mimi's death, however, left me completely puzzled. I started re-thinking things. The grief I experienced on seeing her dead body or while talking to her parents - I don't remember ever feeling this awful! I still have nightmares and I keep wishing she had just come to me once and told me all that she was going through...Maybe, I could have helped her out!
And then I think...she had told me so many things. Perhaps I was just not paying enough attention...Had I been more cautious, I might have been able to see this coming and may have succeeded in putting a stop to this. I wish she had not acted in haste!

No matter how hard I cry and how many tears I shed, she will not come back!
Dear Mimi, You came into my life and occupied a special place in my heart - a place that I never knew existed until you arrived....and now you are gone, and that part of me is empty forever!

Getting over Mimi's death was probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do....being there and seeing her being cremated was horrifying! It was worse than Debrupa dying - at that time, I was not home and I just received this news over the phone. Besides, Mimi chose to die - Debrupa had no choice!
Had it not been for some of my friends, I would probably have ended up remaining a nervous wreck! I don't think I can ever thank them enough for being there for me when I desperately needed them!

Today, I do not take any of my friends for granted. I have even stopped fighting with some of them - I am scared that I might just not get an opportunity to make up. When my friends come to me with their problems, I do not have a very casual attitude anymore. This incident taught me a lot but I wish there was some other way I could have learnt these lessons....

The Sound Of Silence

Every night, as I lie in bed, I think of the day I have spent. I do not even think that I do it consciously anymore. They come flashing back...those memories...like a train hurtling through the darkness. Those moments are when the only one you have left to answer to, is yourself...

It is at those moments that you think of witty (belated) replies to caustic remarks...when what could have been is felt as sharply as what had actually been. Those moments, which relive other more painful moments, when the crimson taint of embarrassment refused to leave my cheeks, as I stumbled my way through an instance which I hope so very dearly, will never ever repeat itself again. And it is then, I think, with every human trait within me...what if?...what if she hadn't?...what if I could have?...what if?...and then amidst that silence, the familiar heat flushing my cheeks....a fervent prayer...”Please, please let it never happen again...let me never have to go through that again.”

And then there are the others. All of a sudden, I feel a familiar sharp stab of pain, right between my lungs...where I had always imagined your heart to be. The power of a sentence that had perhaps been uttered in a thoughtless feel of impatience...that had seemed to strike me at my very core. And I lie there, and think up six different retorts, each more venomous than the next. And it is then that I feel it...the soothing wave of darkness washing over my bruised ego...and the forgiveness of the silence. This time I close my eyes...and in my mind, stretch out my hand for help, “Please show me a way out.”

Those moments have a peculiarly naked quality to them. I are stripped of every defense that I have tirelessly spent my life creating. The most tangible and passionate feeling of all - anger - is ever felt, quite as sharply, as it is then, in the silence. A part of me blames bitterly the unresponsive silence...a reproach without reason...”Was there another way out?”...Is this then, what I deserve?...Is there all there is to life? Is this real?...and then, “WHY?...Why her?...Why me?” And the barrier shatters and the tears come...and with them, a gentle easing of my burden.

Then there are the sweetest moments of all...when the silence seems to savor along with you...and celebrate with you in shared joy. Those are moments when with rock-bound faith, you thank the darkness of the night with all of your being...because it is that familiar darkness, that wonderful silence which has been your raincoat during the downpour and your crutch through the twisted ankles. There is no further, a sense of the unknown, as you are filled with a grateful joy...at having, once again....been blessed.

Guilt is my least favorite emotion. Guilt is which you cannot be at peace with yourself, when you cannot ignore the possibility of being wrong...and when you cannot look someone in the eye. This guilt surfaces, with surprising clarity, within that timeless silence. The same silence you feel surrounding you at the moment you enter a calm and serene place. This is my silence, and here, there is no escape, no denials...and no room for turning away.

Over the years, I seem to have acquired so far, a peculiar impassivity to emotional stress and pain. It's as though you have this invisible shoulder to cry on. My moments in the dark and that silence to which I bare my soul...and that is the truth...that is, my shoulder.